Impulse & Fear in a Queer Closet

Being in the closet is a tricky thing. Love is exciting but hard. Love can only be a secret.

So, something happened to me yesterday. I almost flushed myself out of my closet because love has taken over my sub conscious.

I was with some friends. All straight dudes. You know how this works.

I was getting late in the evening and I needed to get home. I told them I want to go home. They were like; Dude you live alone. Why the rush? We are married and with kids and you are single. You can do whatever you like. You can go home whenever you like.

I was offline. I have wifi at home and so, I did not buy any mobile internet bundle. I knew that my boyfriend would have tried getting to me several times and would be mad by then.

Stupid me. Or should I say Stupid Mouth. My mouth almost spilled the beans.

I began saying “I need to go home because my boyfriend would be worried as he would have been trying to reach me”….

See, I even started saying the statement… and then I caught myself and I just froze.

I got scared. I asked myself questions… what is this? what if I did not catch myself? When did my mind start loosing it’s guard?

This was a really scary moment.

Here’s the thing. I have always thought that I am so careful about my sexuality to the point were my subconscious and reflexes know their duties they need to perform to keep me safe.

My subconscious and my reflexes are starting to fail me. I am in love, and it is exciting. I am happy about the fact that I have a relationship and someone I can call my boyfriend.

But, what the heck! Does my mind not know where and when to be excited and where and when to even forget that I am queer?

Okay. This is serious. This closet might not be the best place to be in, but it is pretty safe and comfortable. This mind of mine better watch itself, and be careful about how it collaborates with my impulses.

Otherwise, if it flushes me out of the closet without my permission… Hmmm.