Freedom and The Problem with Guests in my Closet

Some days ago, I was on a very important and expressive call with my boyfriend when my straight friends got into my house without notice, and I lost my ability to keep talking with my boyfriend.

While my friends talked about their wives and concubines, I could not talk about my own relationship in my own house.

I lost my power in my own home.

First of all, a few steps back.

I don’t know how other closeted queer persons are balancing the art of remaining in the closet and finding a way to freely and happily express themselves.

In my case, I chose to escape. I moved to another country where no one knew me. I decided to build new relationships, and very carefully so.

Over 97% of my relationships are not queer. I don’t think I planned this relationship building thing properly. Nonetheless; safety is key.

The thing about being a closeted queer person with only straight friends is that you can suffocate emotionally. So, you need to find a way to escape and get to someone with whom you can share your stories and thoughts with; someone who understands you.

This is especially important because you must have already spent a lot of your energy counseling the straight friends on their marital and dating issues with wisdom from experiences inferred from your queer life.

Okay. I detracted. Maybe I am just being emotional.

So, it was 11am. I was on this phone call with my boyfriend and we were just wrapping up with an argument. We were resolving on how to proceed with our relationship; improve communication, be more transparent…

Then I heard a knock on the door. I asked who was there, and my friends called their names. I said, I am coming and my boyfriend, knowing I was not going to be alone got angry again. He had the right, because we had reserved this time for us to talk.

After a few moments apologizing to my boyfriend for the interruption, while he still grumbled, I went to open my door to get my friends in. They apologized for coming earlier than I had accepted them to come. Then they requested that I should just continue with my call, when I am done, we will talk.

Of course, I could not. They are straight. I am queer, and we were talking on sensitive issues. They had hijacked my time and privacy without warning.

They promised to talk for 30mins but ended up spending over 2 hours.

Now, my problem is not about friends visiting. My problem is that how come we the closeted, no matter far we run, as long as we are in the closet, we will still become victims in out own space.

Irrespective of how high you pay your rents, how much you decorate your interior… one straight person visiting your house has power over you. You can’t do anything.

The funny thing is, even a married friend can bring his girlfriend he is cheating on to visit you and both of them will be comfortable talking about their affairs, even bringing you into the conversation.

Sometimes, they might even request to use your space for their sex.

But in that your same house, you cannot make a phone call with your boyfriend and discuss about your relationship while they are around.

As a closeted queer person, you have no comfort zone. You have no power.

How do we claim our power in our own space while being queer and closeted?